Marriage Year 3: Reflections

A little over three years ago I was told by my pastor that marriage would be the most sanctifying event in my life. At the time, I only had a cliche understanding of what he could have meant by this. “Of course marriage is sanctifying,” I thought to myself, “because it means I have to get along with someone who I cannot get away from!” In fact, what probably sums up my initial view of marriage was this observation I once gave to a friend about it: “Marriage is different in that you just can’t shut the door to your spouse at the end of the day like you can a roommate. You kinda have to figure out how to live with one another from sunrise to sunset with no breaks in between.” A crude and calculating way of considering marriage, I know, but looking back over three years I think there was some truth in this observation that is worth considering and appreciating. 

Like I had said to my friend, marriage is different because there are no breaks. When you live with roommates and friends, you get to decide on when you are done interacting with them for the day. Come home mad and upset? You get to go to your room, shut your door, and ride out the rest of the day in solitude. You have no obligation to interact with your roommates in a meaningful way, even in the worst of your attitudes. To many that seems ideal, especially as we live in the age of commitment avoidance. However, there is a flipside to this sort of arrangement that many don’t consider. Say you come home to your roommates in an overly joyful estate, only to meet the depressing reality that they have decided to shut themselves in their rooms for the night. What you find out in such a situation is that they also claim no obligation to interact with you, even when you desire it the most. Overall, what you find in non-commitment relationships is that there is no obligation of either party to interact with the other for better or for worse. When humans don’t have an obligation to accomplish something, they tend to fall into lethargy.

What is the big deal with that though? Don’t people desire this sort of freedom, and aren’t people generally willing to pay the cost of this freedom? Well, the big deal is that this is a grossly unnatural way to live as a human. There is something about our humanity that demands we live with others in such a way where we must be forced into social interactions whether we are willing for them or not. It is in such moments where our character is shaped, where we learn how to express ourselves rightly to others in a controlled manner. Give a person the “right” to isolation, and what you get is a soul in an echo chamber where the only apparent insightful voices are the echoes of their own. 

Such people may think they are winning in life by having this alone time, but rather they are losing because they get too much alone time. I am not saying that the concept of alone time is inherently bad. I need it myself sometimes to decompress for the day. But it is when alone time because the overwhelming norm of daily life rather than the exceptional rest that it becomes dangerous. It is obvious from the Genesis blueprint of humanity that man was not created to be alone. Humanity was created to be in community, to be in constant interaction with others in such a way that the essence of our humanity is refined constantly by such. Strip away the refining fire of human community and quickly you will find a soul becoming duller and duller as it continues to fade. The voices of others, whether we want them or not, are the whetstones that sharpen our humanity. 

It is no wonder, therefore, why our current dispensation of loneliness is wreaking havoc on the beauty that humans were intended to pursue and display. This is seen, primarily, in the popular chase after pure passions rather than virtues and character development. What do the current advertisement schemes in society tell us but that the innate drive for many is pleasure in various forms such as sex, vanity, and anything else that produces instant gratification. I believe that the pursuit of such vices is due largely to the dulling of human nature. In a much darker way, we also see the dispensation of loneliness descend many people in alcoholism, prescription-reliant happiness, and pure destruction. Take, for example, the most recent school shooter whose manifesto displayed a hatred for all of humanity that arose from isolationism. Without a whetstone a blade will eventually lose all qualities of it being a blade, thus being rendered as useless. Perhaps the same could be said of humanity without the whetstone of community. And once humanity loses all qualities of being human, what nightmare is there to follow when the virtues disappear?  

So, why do I say all of this in thought of the previous past three years of marriage? It is because I was heading in such a direction prior to my marriage. I was one of the billions who maintained my self-demanded right to autonomy by only interacting with others when I felt like it. I claimed the right to lock myself in my room at night and to stay to myself if I did not feel comfortable with interacting with others. What I thought was self-care (many will try to say that such isolationism is) was actually a form of self-destruction. I was falling deeper into depression, a deeper disregard for humanity, and a deeper dismissal of all things beautiful in life. My soul, as it could be said, was in an echo chamber because of this self-imposed isolationism. My soul was becoming dull. And it was going mad. 

Then came marriage, and real quick I was forced out of such isolationism. When I entered into the commitment of marriage, I waived all rights to this false ideal of isolationism. Instantly I had to learn how to live with another person who I could not choose to avoid. If I came home feeling off, I had to learn to deal with those emotions in such a way that meaningfully interacted with my spouse. All of my emotions and thoughts were no longer being processed in an echo chamber, because now there was another voice present whether I wanted it there or not. At first, there was a steep learning curve for me to overcome. Whereas once I was processing my life in an echo chamber, I was now processing my life in what felt like a public forum. All my interpretations of my thoughts went suddenly from being done by myself to being done with the help of others. This ended my time in my “echo chamber,” and I quickly began to notice change. 

I haven’t given much thought to the mechanics of this change, nor do I think I want to give much thought to it. I think there is a sense where we need to be content with the mystic and enchanted happenings of life; being satisfied with simply observing them rather than trying to explain them. So, with that, I come to the changes that I have noticed in myself. God said that it is not good for man to be alone, and I now fully recognize such. My marital commitment to Lydia has led to an overall sanctification in all areas of my life. I am no longer dreadful of life like I once was. I am no longer pessimistic as I once was. And, in all areas, I out-perform all standards which I never thought possible before marriage. In some mystic and beautiful way, these past three years of marriage have drastically improved all areas of my life for the better. I have noticed an progressive and continual sharpening of my humanity. 

My marriage has been the refining fire of my overall person and character. Where once I found the four cardinal virtues (prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance) difficult, if not impossible, to pursue I now find them with ease and delight. I am no longer ruled by my passions, but rather by the mindful reason which God has given humanity. Perhaps many, who adhere to the current cultural paradigm of the right to isolating autonomy, will think that I gave up freedom. They often call marriage a “ball and chain” that hinders human freedom. To them, I would say that I am glad to have given up the freedom to live an animalistic life sub-par to human excellence in order to pursue a higher calling placed upon humanity by God. 

To wrap things up, what I have learned the most from three years of marriage is the importance of covenantal community. God did not create humans functionally to live autonomous and isolated lives. Rather, he created humans to live covenantal lives whereas even our innermost thoughts do not belong to us but rather to the community forum in which we find ourselves. We are created to live together and to process all the aspects of life together. Take a human away from such an environment and you place them in a maddening echo chamber. As our society continues to delve into a darker estate, I think this should alert us to the importance of covenantal institutions. Whether it be a covenantal community by church or by marriage, we all need this in our lives. To not have it deprives us of a refiner's fire that helps us to become more human rather than less human.